Broken
by justawritier
Summary: A Sawyer/Suliet fic set after he gets off the island in the finale. "He doesn't know how to be James without Juliet."


Broken

A/N: A Sawyer/Suliet fic set after he gets off the island in the finale. Honestly I don't really like it but I'll see what everybody else thinks

Disclaimer: I do not in any way own Lost.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating

-Lifehouse

* * *

Three years. That was how long he had been on the island. Best three years of his life. Falling in love with Juliet made him want to be a better man, he become a leader, someone you could depend on. When she died he knew that he was not the sort of person who gets a life like that.

The next few weeks are crazy, dealing with the media circus, coming up with a plausible story, he knows they are all looking to him to do it but just can't bring himself to care anymore. He hears Juliet's voice "_James these are your friends, you have to help them out." _He comes up with a story good enough that not too many questions get asked.

His first night off the island he has a nightmare he hears her but he can't find her. He wakes up in a cold sweat. That's the first night he smokes in three years.

He buys an apartment in a bad part of town but he really doesn't care. All he wants to do is get drunk and forget everything that has happened in his life.

He tortures himself and googles her and reads articles about her and how she mysteriously went away for a job and never came back. He drinks so much he passes out.

He spends the next couple of months like that, only going out for more alcohol and smokes. His apartment is a mess take-out containers and empty beer cans scattered all around. He knows that she would be disappointed in him but he misses her so much it physically hurts. He just wants the pain to go away for a little while.

Miles comes over almost everyday and cleans up. He tries to get him to talk and shower but it never works. Miles even enlists Kate but she's really busy with Claire and Aaron and seeing him just reminds Kate of Jack and everything she's lost.

He doesn't want to be this person he has become but he doesn't know how to be James without Juliet.

Miles still calls him Jim like he's still that person who had a life, not this broken man he has become. He hates himself for doing this. He thinks how unfair it is that he's alive when all Juliet wanted was off the island and she never got to.

He has a vision one night that she comes and visits him. Tells him that it's not his fault that she died, that if she had to she would do it all over again and how much she loves him but he needs to keep on living and that she'll see him before he knows it.

He knows he has to keep on living for her. As soon as he's ready he'll go see Rachel and find his daughter, just like she would want him to.

Fifteen days after later he books a flight to Miami. He doesn't have an exact plan yet but he wants to tell as much of the truth as he can.

He finds the house; a nice bungalow with toys scattered around the yard. It takes him a few minutes to gather the courage but eventually he does.

He knocks and a woman answers the door. Right away he knows it's her, they look nothing alike but he just knows. He explains that he knew her sister and asks if he can come in. Unlike Juliet she lets him in right away, no questions asked. After he's done telling her he needs to tell her not to let strange men in the house.

He tells her that they meet while she was working for Mittelos Bioscience. He was security detail. She had already been there for three years when he met her. He tells her a somewhat truthful story of how they fell in love, how they would not let anybody leave and how there was an accident.

She's crying by the end and so is he. He stays for awhile and meets Julian and looks at pictures of Juliet. He takes a few knowing that is all he has of her. She says to visit anytime and he knows he will.

Once he gets back to Los Angeles he goes to Kate's and she gives him Cassidy's address. She asks if he wants her to come along but he knows he has to do this by himself.

He calls and there is some yelling but she agrees for him to come over the next day.

When he actually sees his daughter for the first time he really can't believe it.

She warms up to him pretty quickly, asking lots of questions. He tries to answer as best he can. He doesn't ever want her to find out who he used to be.

After several playdates at the house Cassidy agrees to let him take her out for the day. They go to the park and go see a movie. It's the first time since Juliet died that he actually had a good day.

Time passes and he and Cassidy have agreed to custody. He's just happy that she gave him anything after what he did to her but he knows how much she loves her daughter and she's doing it for Clem not him.

He goes to the bar occasionally and hooks up with the first blond he can find. He knows he says the wrong name (to them, to him it's always the right name) and he leaves right after.

He goes and sees Rachel and Julian a couple times a year. It's always nice to be near Juliet's family. He brings Clem with him and the kids become fast friends. It makes him smile.

He moves in with Miles, he's not big on sharing but it's nice to have a friend. Miles snores so loud he can hear him from his room and it reminds him of the first two weeks in dharma when they all had to share a house.

When he wakes up every morning he still reaches out for her.

As Clem gets older she really gets into acting. He is at every single one of her plays. He meets one of the mothers there.

He goes out with her a few times. She's cute, funny and smart. He wants to like her, he really does but he just can't feel anything towards her. She really likes him he can tell but he knows he will never feel anything close to what he felt for Juliet and he doesn't think it's fair to lead her along.

Everytime he is in Miami he goes to her grave and puts yellow daises on it. He likes talking to her. He likes to think she can hear him somehow.

Years pass and Clem grows up and gets married (to Julian of all people). On her wedding day his heart breaks a little bit and not just cause his little girl is all grown up. He wishes they could have had that too.

He's driving home one day and gets blindsides by another car. He lives long enough to be able to donate his organs.

As he fades he sees them together somehow and he knows it will all be okay.


End file.
